I don’t know how many of you know about this movie called The Replacements. It came out in the year 2000, starring a young Keanu Reaves, playing the role of a football quarterback who came in to play as the original team was on strike. Maybe it was the fact that I was young and impressionable, but this movie left an indelible mark on the way I relate to myself.

[Plug for the movie: It also has Gene Hackman, Orlando Jones, and Jon Favreau.]

Now, I’m not a huge fan of professional sports. I don’t go out of my way to watch any certain games. I don’t even know all of the teams. When Superbowl Sunday or the World Series come around, I usually find out because nobody’s at the mall. Or, what happened most recently, I got into a Lyft and the driver asked me who I thought was going to win. I didn’t even know who was playing. 

But I do love a good sports movie. They tend to show the triumph of human spirit in the face of overwhelming odds and self-doubt. After all, isn’t this what’s at the core of every great Hollywood film? It’s what us Americans love, and we pay to see it over and over again. Enough about the movie, though. Let’s get into what I learned at the age of 23, ready to step into my life after college and take on the world. 

This movie taught me about the importance of understanding and accepting myself, including my emotional and physical reactions to things. Let me explain.

In the first big game, Shane Falco (Keanu), at a critical moment when the fate of the game rests on a single play, gets nauseous and throws up on the field. It’s the first time it’s happened. He’s shocked, embarrassed, and not sure if he can keep going. But he does.

And then in the next game it happens again. And in the next game it happens again. The commentators start to notice a pattern: Falco throws up, they make a big play, and they win the game. What started out as something embarrassing becomes a sign of impending victory. The commentators even say something like, “Uh-oh, they’d better watch out. Falco just puked.”

[If you watch the movie that the quote isn’t accurate, please tell me and I’ll correct it.]

What’s so great about this is that Falco learns not to make himself wrong for throwing up on the field. He just handles whatever reaction he’s having right then, does what he needs to do, and goes on with the game. No shame, no trying to hide it. He doesn’t go through hypnosis or go to a doctor to try to figure out which prescription drugs to take to *not* to throw up, he just lets it happen. It’s something he’s accepted about himself, and when it happens, he does what he needs to do and then moves on with his life.

Out in my life, there are so many times I’ve used this tool to calm my nerves and bring clarity to my mind and emotions, particularly when I’m feeling jealous, anxious, or insecure. Being polyamorous, that comes up a lot.

When it comes up, I see it as a sign that I care about what’s happening. I care about the other person, I care about our relationship, and this is a reaction that I have when I start caring. Now, it doesn’t mean that my jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity needs to be avoided or tip-toed around. It’s still my reaction, and only my reaction to deal with. I can ask for assistance around dealing with it, optimally with the goal of eventually no longer needing that assistance. What is revolutionary about fully accepting that part of me is that it doesn’t have to go away. It’s not a wrong, bad part of myself that I need to chase away or shame myself over. 

I’m a human being. 

Yes, it’s a trained reaction based on things that happened in my past. 

No, I don’t have to change that reaction or make it go away.

What this whole experience has taught me is that the first step to transforming or changing things is to accept them. It sounds paradoxical that if you want to change something or make it go away, you need to be ok with not changing it, or inviting it to stay just the way it is.

I invite you to try this out. See what kind of peace of mind and clarity it brings you. 

If you have questions on how to apply it, or want to share what it opened up for you, please tell me! I’d love to know.

You can email me: Steve@CoachSteveYang.com